'Doing it Wrong' (Yes. Sex.)

This blog post from the New York Times had me laughing out loud.  But part of it is serious.

The serious part is that while the average age for first time sexual experience is 17 on both sides of the Atlantic, how our human sexuality is handled is very different. That difference is more successful  on the European side of 'the pond' by a variety of measurements than what we do here.  In view of the recent election results which some believe mandate social and cultural conservatism, those numbers deserve a review here.


Individuals who use birth control from the very beginning of their sexually active lives, from the 'first time':
 U.S.                 26%
 Netherlands      64%

1st Time Regrets/Wishing they had waited longer before becoming sexually active:
 U.S.                 63% of boys,    69% of girls
 Netherlands        5% of boys,    12% of girls

Teen pregnancy rates / unintended pregnancy:
U.S. - three to six times higher than in western Europe

Sexually Transmitted Disease Rates:
 20 to 30 times higher in the U.S. than in the Netherlands
 Specifically HIV - six time lower in the Netherlands than in the U.S.

This article examines the approach we take to the subject of sex as a basis for the behaviors resulting in these statistics.  In the next two years we will have more pressure to follow the unsuccessful U.S. model which treats sex as a taboo, instead of as a legitimate topic of education, and an acceptable topic of conversation - polite conversation.  In the next two years we will see more, not less pressure to fund abstinence only - which is really ignorance only - sex education.  There is opposition from some conservatives to decriminalizing sodomy laws, despite them being declared unconstitutional variously at the state and federal levels.  There is even resistance to decriminalizing adultery laws which are still on the books in some states.  Colorado this last election had a proposal on the ballot that would limit contraception.

 Any instruction which relies on withholding information or providing misinformation is not education, and should not be so mislabeled, or funded.  I particularly found the commentary on treating boys and girls differently in the U.S. and more similarly in Europe a constructive one.

In examining the conservative 'culture wars', and what they attempt to do, it appears to me that they have the false belief that they can legislate morality; that they can control all aspects of behavior so as to create a government enforced society where the only sex which takes place is monogamous heterosexual adult married sex.  The larger attitudes towards sex are reflected in their very puritanical attitudes about restricting education relating to sex and sexuality.  Reality does not reflect their ideology; states with conservative views and which appear to have the most widespread and conservative religious beliefs have the highest incidence of teen pregnancies; red dog states, a rough measure of conservative political attitudes, have higher divorce rates than blue states, and adultery is the second highest cause of divorce, after only domestic violence.  Studies of sexual health indicate that conservatives engage in the same practices - which is now more than a few decades ago more varied than penile/vaginal sex, having expanded to oral, manual and anal sex practices.


The reality is that the genie is not going back into the bottle; the toothpaste won't go back into the tube.  People have always had sex, and they widely have sex now, both adults and teens.  I do not know anyone my own age or younger who was abstinent before marriage, I don't know anyone now who is not married who is abstinent by choice.  Some are involved in sexually fulfilling relationships; others are desiring to have such a relationship.  These are not exclusively sexual relationships; sex is a part of an intimacy, a close connection between people, and part of a larger companionate relationship.

Where this 'European" approach differs is that sex is not addressed through fear.  Sex is addressed as a normal part of life - which it is, an approach which reflects reality, not some crazy idealized society dictated by conservative or religious values.  Reality.  This European approach stresses values such as love, knowing a partner well over a period of time rather than casual promiscuity, and the idea that it is a normal part of life which everyone can expect to enjoy, so they should enjoy it responsibly and be patient, waiting for the time to be the right time, and for the person to engage in sex with them to be the right person.

Instead we have attempts to discredit all but a very narrow segment of the natural sexual spectrum of life, with rampant homophobia, misinformation about masturbation, pregnancy and abortion, sexually transmitted diseases, and all forms of contraception.  We have especially religious based discrediting condom use with misinformation, and deliberately inaccurate data - not only in our K-12 schools, but even in medical schools through conservative generated funding.  Telling people they should avoid every kind of sex except married missionary style exclusively genital contact sex for reproduction doesn't stop any one from having sex.  It just means people have ill-informed, unprotected and irresponsible sex.  But that appears to be the American plan for sex education.  I rather doubt there is a single reader of Penigma from the U.S. who had a discussion with their parents about making the decision to have sex before marriage.  We don't have those conversations. That contrast is stark, and so are the public healthy policy consequences. We hide sex as if it were something terrible, not something wonderful to be experienced with adult judgement.


Agree or disagree - watch the videos.  They really ARE as funny as promoted, laugh out loud funny. They are sophisticated, earthy, and genuinely witty and clever.  A helpful caution - control the volume, and put any beverages safely away from your computer first.  The first video brought dogs charging into the room, with the 'enforcement' pack members leaping across my lap between me and the monitor and speakers to defend me from the tantrum, nearly upsetting my cup of very hot tea all over us. (They didn't so much as twitch when I accidentally replayed it a little while later.) The second video from France caught me by surprise, resulting in laughing out loud, as did several of the others - watch them all.  As the Brit comedian Eddie Izzard put it so well, sometimes "the French are just so...French". Vive la France! The Argentine ad is a bit racy, but has a surprise ending.  (Note, the bottom scroll bar has banned ads that are not all article specific)   These are definitely NOT videos you want to have blaring off your desk in a work environment, or if you want to avoid explaining why you were laughing out loud after watching.  You may want to watch them more than once.

But the videos in the link ARE well worth watching (more than once), and their approach deserves serious consideration in addition to the humor.  Enjoy!