I just got off the phone with my friend John. John broke down while telling me about the passing of his life-long partner (of 25 years) who had died of colon cancer at the age of 48.
John, as he promised his partner, was there to the end, holding hands, and even wiping bile and sputum from his partner's face up until the last breath. It was something the nurses had ceased doing as it simply wasn't an effort they saw as fruitful after a certain point passed. John talked about watching his partner's eyes glaze over, and then, after a bit, he couldn't talk to me any longer. He hung up saying he'd, "speak to you later."
I tried to be a good listener for John. I told John that it was typical for someone to take 5 years to recover from the loss of a spouse. John was crushed, nearly unable to fathom life after two years without his patner. John stood by, in a circumstance many of us could hardly have bared, but he did, he did because he'd made a promise to the person he loved, he did even though it was excruciatingly painful. He did because his love was the truest kind, the kind that puts the other first. John loved his spouse as deeply as anyone I know loved another. The only thing is, John's partner's name was David, and John loved David dearly.
I ask anyone to please tell me how John's love for David wasn't as real as any partner has for their life-mate, and more importantly, how John's love isn't deserving of respect. I can only hope to be as decent a man as John is, and I respect his love and mourn for his anguish and loss.
This story surfaced on my Twitter feed (through MN Blue Blogs), and my followers were deeply touched, as was I. Please pass on our condolences to your friend.
ReplyDeleteThanks,
John Shannon
The Shannon Files
What's love got to do with it is simply this. The right to autonomy, to making one's own decision about how we live our lives, what we do, and a very important aspect, choosing with whom we spend our lives.
ReplyDeleteIt is also very deeply about what is defined as the right of integrity, which refers to being able to be on the outside the person you genuinely are on the inside. It means being true to one's self, as was frequently expressed in the statements made by our armed forces personnel who objected to having to pretend to be heterosexual when they were not. It would apply as well to those who are transgender; it is a simple medical reality that not everyone is born with a clear or straightforward gender identity.
What love has to do with it is recognizing equality in making our life choices.
Too often we have the relgious right bigots and extremists calling same sex relationships terrible terms, when the reality is that there is nothing inherent in those relationships which is either bad, or wrong, or an aberration or illness.
There are many commited couples who live stable and caring lives in long term commited marital-like relationshps, a choice which should be respected because it satsified everything we seek in those kinds of relationships. Included in that are same sex partners who do a superb job of parenting.
As an adopted child, with an adopted sibling, and two adopted step-siblings, and a number of friends who were adopted by their parents, I was appalled when the Roman Catholic church representatives tried to demean and diminish those parent/child relationships in an attempt to bash gay relationships. I have been just as appalled at a Wisconsin legislator who was equally offensive about single parent families.
We need to find ways as a society to be supportive of healthy and stable relationships as providing a sound foundation for other aspects of the lives of our citizens. It is a mistake to value form over substance, and that is the mistake, above violating the rights of individuals to their autonomy and identity, that is wrong in devaluing loving same-sex relationships.
John, a belated welcom to commenting on Penigma. I enjoy your blog as well, most notably appreciating both your posting of the Mark Fiore animation, and the planned parenthood video of the couple in Nebraska who were so devestated by the anti-abortion laws.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting here! (and a big thanks to Holly for including us in the blue blogs)