Monday, April 7, 2014

You might be a "New Republican" if... (installment 216)

Louisiana Governor Bobby "Deer in Headlights" Jindal as well as some other notable Republicans have begun a new add campaign in which they say things like, "If you believe in allowing people to breathe, you might be a New Republican."  In short, they make-up some sort of non-conflict, like believing in "free enterprise", claim to be on the side EVERYONE is already on the side of, and then say it's a sign of how you might in fact be closer to the party of "them vs. us" than you think if you believe in this obviously supportable concept.

Now, beyond trying to suggest anyone who isn't a "New Republican" believes in using pitchforks on children - this line of advertising while initially looking to me as a bit clever, on further review strikes me as foolish in the extreme.  Much like many epic failures Jindal has undertaken in Louisiana, he appears to not have looked very far down the road, because this line of BS can be used so easily to draw out the substantive differences between Republicans and the rest of us.  In fact, I'm struck by the uncanny similarity between this line of advertising and comedian Jeff Foxworthy's line of jokes which run "You might be a Redneck if.."  The irony is even deeper in that so many of the "rural, gun-totin' types" who might well be called "rednecks" also happen to.. yep, you guessed it, vote Republican.

So, with that in mind, and will all due credit to Mr. Foxworthy, here are my observations..

  • You might be a redneck New Republican if you think the 14 year-olds carrying large capacity magazine, assault rifles are a responsible solution to mass shootings
  • If you believe we should invade Iran, you might just be a New Republican
  • If  you also believe the United States should not get itself involved in nation building you might be a New Republican
  • If you believe that the phrase "Kill 'em all, let God sort 'em out" perfectly defines the proper US approach to foreign policy, you might be a New Republican
  • You might be a New Republican if you think the US should erect a 2500 mile electrified fence to stop all illegal immigration especially if you immediately claim you don't understand how government spending got so out of control- and you think the idea of 'gators is reasonable.
  • If you believe private property rights allow someone, in their place of business open to the public, discriminate against minorities, including usurping constitutional protections against discrimination, you just might be a New Republican
  • If you believe your 2nd amendment constitutional right overrides someone's private property rights in their place of business, you just might be and very likely are a New Republican (no kidding, they really do, including believing that they have right to carry a firearm into my business even if I tell them they cannot).
  • If you believe the not giving business executives more pay will kill job creation, because failing to do so will cause a brain drain, you just may be a New Republican
  • If you believe the poor and the middle-class demanding more equal pay after watching productivity go up 50% while their wages remained flat (or worse), is unfair and will kill job creation, you might be a New Republican
  • If you believe men ought to have Viagra covered by insurance, even though the men who need it aren't normally of child creating age, while at the same time you profess that birth control is immoral because it interferes with the primary purpose of sex (namely procreation) - and so it should not be covered under religious grounds, you might be a New Republican
  • You might be a New Republican if you believe that the reason your taxes are "so high" is because lazy blacks don't understand the "blessings of work"
  • If you believe 47% of Americans are "takers", you might be a New Republican, especially if you or your parents ever took a check from Social Security, an annuity program they paid into all their lives to receive (or as you would call it, take from).
  • If you think the only people who "create" jobs are the CEO's of the world, you might be a New Republican - but I suggest you never say that to a farmer or a small business owner
  • If you think that by handing more money to the corporate leaders of the world, that it will magically flow down to you in the form of higher paying jobs - in short that they'll share MORE than they do right now because they'll happily pay you more in this new job than they do in a crappy one - you not only might be a New Republican, you might very well be a drunk New Republican
 My turn! (DG)

  • If you believe the sun orbits the earth, not the other way around, you might be a New Republican, (since 26% of Americans incorrectly believe that - and many are part of the religious right and/or anti-science.)  From Patheos:
    Geocentrism? A new documentary film narrated by Kate Mulgrew, who played Captain Kathryn Janeway on “Star Trek: Voyager,” claims the sun revolves around the Earth, and that the Earth is fixed at the center of the universe.
    The film’s ultra conservative Catholic producer believes the early leaders of the Catholic Church, who interpreted the Bible to mandate an Earth-centered universe, were right after all.
    The film, entitled “The Principle,” promotes “Geocentrism,”  the absurd notion that the Catholic church was right, that the Earth is at the center of the universe and it does not move, and that scientists since Galileo have got it all wrong
    Geocentrism is creationism on steroids, and is often attributed to a literal reading of the Bible.
    Perhaps even more disturbing than the iconic Kate Mulgrew, of Star Trek: Voyager and Orange Is the New Black, the film also features appearances by big-name scientists like Michio Kaku and Lawrence Krauss.
    The new documentary was produced by Robert Sungenis, a controversial figure known to be a virulent anti-Semite and Holocaust denier. Promoting his book, “Galileo Was Wrong: The Church Was Right,:
  • If you believe that much older men seeking out underage or much, much younger women is desirable (for the men, benefits for the women and girls don't count), then you might be a New Republican.
  • If you think special interest groups, including from outside your own state, like ALEC, should write the legislation under which you live, so long as it is conservative, then you might be a New Republican.
  • If you believe that nearly all government should be privatized, for profit, then you might be a New Republican.
  • If you believe that women don't want or need or deserve equal pay for equal work, and that women don't even WANT equal pay, then you might be a new Republican.
  • If you believe that we should make our government policy based on the 'end days', regardless of all evidence to the contrary, then you might be a New Republican.
  • If you believe that we should be an ally with Israel in order to facilitate the Rapture, and that it is important to raise money for and promote the conversion of all Jews to Christianity, then you might be a New Republican.
  • If you believe that it really is appropriate to compare liberals, especially the President, to Hitler and Nazism, or if you find yourself using phrases like "your communist handler" in comments on social media, you might be a New Republican.
  • If you believe that fluoridation of our water to prevent cavities is really a secret communist mind-control plot, then you might be a New Republican.
  • If you support or belong to a militia, and think that the 1980's movie Red Dawn is prophetic for 21st century foreign policy, then you might be a New Republican.  Or, if the movie is just a recurring wet dream/fantasy for you.
  • If you believe women should be subordinate to men, and that extreme male violence is necessary for normal sexual orientation development, then you might be a New Republican.
  • If you believe the best way to avoid unwanted teen pregnancies is just not to tell teens that sex exists or how pregnancy occurs, in the ridiculous belief that they won't find out or figure it out for themselves, then you might be a New Republican.  Doubly so if you think lying to children provides sexual protection, or that sexually transmitted disease is appropriate punishment for daring to have sex.
  • If you think sex is dirty, then you are almost certainly a New Republican.  Double your odds of being a new Republican if you are a hypocrite about sex, especially if you have watched porn or have cheated your spouse.

Well, that's it for this installment.  Feel free to share you own.  Comments welcome, tune in next week for the next installment.


  1. 1- If you believe that the Sandy Hook elementary school shooting was an elaborate hoax perpetrated by Liberal oppressors in order to take your guns away, you may be a new Republican.

    2- If you will do anything within your power to defend the rights of an eight week old fetus, then fight to put an end to programs that may feed a three year old child, you may be a new Republican.

    3- If you compare gay marriage to zoophilia and use that as an excuse to trample basic civil rights of homosexuals, you may be a new Republican.

    4- If you believe the Koch brothers are true American freedom fighters spending hundreds of millions of dollars tirelessly fighting for your liberty, you may be a new Republican. And an idiot!

    5- If you argue that an ex-convict in Chicago should not have the right to vote, but an ex-convict in Chattanooga should be able to exercise his/her second amendment rights, you may be a new Republican.

    6- If you argue against marijuana legalization while finding nothing wrong with opium based pain killers, you may be a new Republican. And if you find no link to these pain killers and the sudden surge in heroin usage, you may be blind.

    7- If you are anti abortion and pro death penalty, you may be a new Republican. Not too mention a hypocrite. According to your own "good book", both souls are filled with sin.

  2. Good ones, JOB! Thanks for the contribution!

  3. JOB, we'll make that part of installment 217, this is a nearly endless list full of fun.