Dancing

The following is reposted from Huffington Post; as I have posted here before, what is written here about children is equally true of sexual orientation.  We need to have more enlightened, more scientifically sound ideas about sex, as understood by psychology and medical sciences, but also sociology and anthropology, rather than religious or ideologically intolerant views of human sexuality.

That fundamentalist Christians and other right wing religious extremists, under the guise of loving God, would think it makes sense to issue death threats only underlines the same, if more subtle, prejudices that we should all oppose.

Gender and sexual orientation are not learned, they are not contagious.  They are not facets of human beings that are as simplistic as the intolerant on the right (or occasionally, on the left or the center) would like to believe.

Rather, the younger that children are able to talk about how they feel inside, the better they handle their differences as they mature, the happier - and healthier - they are, throughout their lives. 

It is every day life, and how we respond, that instills ideas and ideals in children.  Sometimes it is not the lesson that is intended that is learned, but a different lesson.  The lesson here can too easily be that children who do not conform will be hated, and unloved by members of their family - and God.  How harsh, how harmful, how alienating is that?

Dr. Ehrensaft



Dr. Ablow

The following article is by Dr. Diane Ehrensaft, whose speciality is gender and sexuality.  Unlike the wacko psychiatrist, Dr. Keith Ablow over on Faux News, who has come out against Chaz Bono's sexual reassignment, and particularly his inclusion on this season's Dancing with the Stars television programming, her written position is consistent with the positions of mainstream psychology and pediatric medicine.

The right seems to thrive by presenting the views of scientists who disagree with the overwhelming mainstream, and then try to pretend to themselves that somehow proves a lack of consensus.  A consensus is the overwhelming agreement, not perfect unanimity of views.  At some stage of research and knowledge, there is no reasonable belief in the outliers, or in the extreme minority oppinion.  It is as true of sexuality as it is true relating to climate change / global warming.

This is consistently the opposite of the anti-science demographic on the right.

We have a wondrous diversity in humanity, including our sexuality and physical appearance.  We should be celebrating it, not stifling it.

All Kids Deserve to Reach for the Stars -- and Dance With Them, Too

by Diane Ehrensaft, PhD.Developmental and clinical psychologist

For many viewers of ABC's mega-hit series Dancing With the Stars, the announcement that this season's roster of contestants would include Chaz Bono, the son of Cher and the late Sonny Bono, marked a historic decision and a milestone for transgender people. To some, it made a less than welcome addition to the fall television line-up.

One viewer comment online stood out for me, given my work with gender non-conforming and transgender children and their families: "YOUR choice to bring Chaz Bono into the mix goes too far. I am not about to risk the potential for on screen dialogue about sex changes and gender confusion while my 7 and 9 year old are watching."

It is time to address and make sense of the outcry over whether "sex changes and gender confusion" are inappropriate subjects for young children. Let's talk about the real reality here -- how damaging and dangerous those comments are to the thousands of transgender and gender-nonconforming children out there who live their everyday lives among the adults who are so agitated by Chaz's participation as a dance partner.

Over the years, I have worked with so many children who, often from ages much earlier than 7, did not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. These children are not merely boys who play with Barbies or girls who play with trucks; they insist on dressing a certain way and being referred to with the pronouns of the gender they see themselves as, which is opposite the one others think they are. They are not "acting out" or mentally ill. They are simply children who are telling us who they really are. Contrary to the viewer's concerns that her children will be damaged by being exposed to a grown-up who is just like the transgender children I work with, seeing Chaz dance with the stars provides a wonderful opportunity for all children to be able to see a transgender role model on television and open up a conversation about gender diversity and gender acceptance.

These conversations are already happening as more and more parents, families, and schools all around the country are learning to embrace and support the transgender children in their communities and beyond, even in the face of a larger world that is not so accepting.

For example, in Ohio, a 10-year-old girl named Jackie was born as Jack. For years, he was interested in his sister's things -- dolls, tutus, and playing dress-up. These interests didn't go away. And as children so often do, his peers teased him for not conforming to how boys were "supposed to" behave. After Jack began having panic attacks, his parents realized that they needed to let him live as Jackie, the girl she was, her "true gender self." Today, Jackie is far happier and far more popular, even as two of her grandparents have struggled to accept her as their granddaughter rather than grandson.

What do stories like Jackie's tell us? For the children I work with, being transgender is not a choice; it is simply an intrinsic part of who they really are as a person. Their identity does not come from imitating a transgender celebrity on TV. It comes from within, sometimes as early as the first year of life, when the children begin to reject the activities or behavior expected of them based on the gender assigned to them at birth. For their parents, it is often a shock and surprise, whenever it shows up, and it is the parents' job, along with all the rest of us, to listen carefully to what the children are telling us and learn how to help the children let their true gender selves come out.

Some would suggest that these children be forced into therapy to "cure" their condition. And often, this impulse comes from a desire to protect children from a world that can be incredibly cruel to those who don't conform. But it is anything but beneficial for children to deny their true gender -- protect it from harm, perhaps; but suppress or deny it, never.

Few of us who are not transgender can relate to the feeling that you are living in the wrong body, but that is what transgender boys and girls who have not transitioned must live through every day. The "boy" who tells us that he is actually a girl is telling us something that we would be wise to heed -- because as I have seen all too often, telling this child to suppress himself can lead to anxiety, depression and even to attempting suicide as a way out.

Transgender children, just as much as transgender adults, endure great adversity as they strive to live as the gender they are. But they are not fundamentally so different from other boys and girls. These children need support in a world that may treat them harshly for not fitting perfectly into the "boy" or "girl" gender boxes. We would all do well to recognize that, and to treat our transgender children, friends, and, yes, celebrities with a basic level of respect for their identities.

We seldom discuss these subjects with our children. But for our children's sake, we should, and Chaz Bono dancing with the stars provides the perfect opportunity, as we envision what a wonderful world it will be when all genders have equal footing on the dance floor.

Celebrate World AIDS Day Today, December 1, 2010 - Part I

Obviously we do not exactly celebrate the existence of this terrible viral disease.  What we celebrate is an awareness of this pandemic, a pandemic that is our closest modern equivalent to the black death, the bubonic plague of the 14th century in Europe.  Following the premise that when we don't learn from history, we are doomed to repeat it, I would like to share with you a brief overview of other pandemics, (as distinct from epidemics) before focusing on ours. The purpose of the historic overview is to establish common patterns in the past as a foundation, a frame, a focus for looking at our approach to AIDS, in the hope of finding greater insight and understanding for our response to it.

Condoms and AIDS/HIV, and the Papal position

A seminarian once posed to a group of which I was a part the provocative question, "When is religion good and when is religion bad?"  The resulting discussion looked at both major and minor examples of how we human beings had done great harm, in the name of religion.  In the course of the discussion, contemplating harm from our beliefs was the point.  I believe this is a belief which does harm, tremendous harm. I had that question in mind as I wrote this post.

From a March 2009 article in the Guardian, referring to a meeting in 2005:
"Addressing bishops from South Africa, Botswana, Swaziland, Namibia and Lesotho who had travelled to the Vatican for papal audience, he[Pope Benedict] said: "The traditional teaching of the church has proven to be the only fail safe way to prevent the spread of HIV/Aids.

He also warned them that African life was under threat from a number of factors, including condoms"

With all due respect, the traditional teaching of the church of abstinence and fidelity has not prevented the spread of any disease, including HIV and AIDS.  It is not condom use that is the threat to the lives of people in Africa.  Condoms can prevent the transmission of these and other sexually transmitted diseases.

It remains to be seen if the recent discussion about limited condom use will reflect a change in the Roman Catholic church.  In the meantime, we still need to see a similar change in the policies of our government that have been dictated by the religious right.

'Doing it Wrong' (Yes. Sex.)

This blog post from the New York Times had me laughing out loud.  But part of it is serious.

The serious part is that while the average age for first time sexual experience is 17 on both sides of the Atlantic, how our human sexuality is handled is very different. That difference is more successful  on the European side of 'the pond' by a variety of measurements than what we do here.  In view of the recent election results which some believe mandate social and cultural conservatism, those numbers deserve a review here.

Sex, Politics, and the Pursuit of Happiness

"Sexual harassment on the job is not a problem for virtuous women."
“By getting married, the woman has consented to sex, and I don’t think you can call it rape,”
"Women have babies and men provide the support. If you don't like the way we're made you've got to take it up with God."
- Phyllis Schlafly

"Don't you think that the irresponsible behaviour of men is caused by women?"
-Pope John Paul II
(response to Dr. Nafis Sadik's suggestion that the church could play a role in reducing the number of unwanted pregnancies in Third World countries by teaching men not to "impose themselves" on unwilling wives. Dr. Sadik is a woman.)

"There is nothing loving about sex."
"Having sex without horniness is a greater expression of love. Sex is self- satisfying, but not meant for pleasure."
"Inequality is the natural condition."
-Fr. Paul Marx, Human Life International Symposium on Human Sexuality

"Incest is a voluntary act on the woman's part. If it were not, it would be rape."
Charles Rice, professor emeritus of law, Notre Dame University, currently teaching "Law and Morality"

"Many women have been brainwashed by the mindset of our society. They have been educated beyond their intelligence and beyond their natural instincts ..."
'The Flourishing Mother', Above Rubies, March 13, 2002

"It is interesting that today many women are so educated beyond their intelligence that they no longer understand the way God created them - with a womb to nurture life and breasts to nourish that precious life." 'Fully Female'
- Nancy Campbell,

"The proposed law on rape within marriage threatens the whole concept of the special marriage relationship."
Light magazine, Nov. 6, 1976
- Rev. Fred Nile, Christian Democratic Party

"I smell the stink of your fetid breath in the welfare lines; in crime ridden public housing compounds, in the detox wards where the detritus of liberalism wretch the bile of leftist compassion onto the floor; and in the horror chambers where Dr. Frankenstein rips your doomed children from the wombs of your defiled women."
ApathyBoyblog comment section, T.J. Swift "Swiftee" , Conservative Minnesota blogger

Let me begin by explaining that I couldn't encompass describing the scope of the further-to-the-right conservative view of sex with fewer quotations. The above represent a cross section of Catholic and Protestant Christian views, along with the views of both male and female secular conservatives.

Let me also add, in great haste, that I do not presume that these individuals speak for ALL conservatives; I am well aware that there is a spectrum of views on women and on sexuality among conservatives, and also that these views do NOT by any stretch of the imagination speak for the wider point of view held by more moderate Roman Catholic, Eastern Orthodox, or Protestant Christians. So, please, please do not take these quotations as expressing any assumptions about the more widely held views of any religious denomination.

The last quotation however was, although not on Penigma, at least in part, a response directly to Pen, AB, and myself, and so became my inspiration here. I was particularly struck by the notion that apparently women are defiled by having sex, but that men are not. I was further struck by the notion, typical of the 17th century, that rape does not, cannot by definition, occur within marriage. Statistically approximately 25% of all reported rapes occur between spouses (and many more rapes go un-reported).

"Swiftee" specifically stated in further comments that because I associated with liberals, I could not "find the strength to realize my worth". I would argue that everytime I write something here on Penigma, or on any of the other locations where I blog, that I use my intelligence, my skills, my perceptions and my character to do precisely that - to use my strength to realize my worth.

When I was a small child, before I was old enough to attend kindergarten, I was furious that grown ups could force me to wait to go to school. I wanted to learn how to read, and I wanted to learn NOW; I made a pretty good start at teaching myself to read, but I was absolutely convinced that school would speed things up tremendously. I was never a patient child. I vividly remember an afternoon spent alone with my maternal grandmother talking about the importance of school. I asked her if she had been a good student. It turned out my grandmother had been first in her graduating class, by a very large margin......but in her day, it was the best male student who was designated valedictorian. The best a woman could hope to achieve, regardless of the extent to which she excelled, was to be salutatorian; for which my grandmother received recognition, including giving a brief salutatory address - a welcoming statement of a line or two compared to the longer, more prestigious valedictorian address.

While bad language was pretty strictly prohibited, my unexpected reaction ,"The hell I'm going to put up with THAT!" left grandma laughing so hard, and in such complete agreement, that there was no chance of reprimand. Grandmother tried to patiently explain that in her day, it was considered the appropriate thing to do, however unfair it might seem to me years after her experience. When I asked grandma WHY in the world she would go along with something so unfair, she indicated that at the time, that was how both men and women defined being feminine. When I asked my grandmother WHY that defined masculine and feminine (and yes, my observation 'that's just dumb' was a part of the conversation), she was quiet for a very long time, and finally told me she just didn't know really, that it was not logical, that it was what people believed, and that they believed it very strongly. She did observe that the male ego was definitely a part of the belief, and that there had been an implicit need to prop up male status at the expense of female status - because how women felt was regarded as frankly (according to grandma) less important than how men felt.

Grandma predicted that I would be more successful than she was, but that it would mean conflict in my life. That specific conversation was the foundation over the years until she died just shy of 100, where when we were alone together we were not older and younger, we were equals who were unusually candid with each other. Grandma shared with me that she knew absolutely nothing on her wedding night, ignorance being equated with innocence. She shared with me that she was not even aware of the symptoms of pregnancy or the realities of contraception, when she was pregnant with my mother. And she shared with me that she had not been well informed enough as a mother to pass on much useful, reliable and accurate information to my mother and my aunt.

When I was old enough to have a curiosity about sex, after one of our candid discussions between grandma and I, I decided that my parents either wouldn't know or wouldn't be comfortable answering my questions. I had a number of mentors, but while they might have wanted to answer my questions, when it came to sex, I was sure they would be put on the spot between what my parents would want and what they would want and what I would want. So, I did what I always did when I wanted to know what the adult world was unwilling or unable to provide. I turned to my local library -- where fortunately at an early age - somewhere between 7 and 8 - my parents had written the obligatory letter which gave me unlimited access to the adult section of the library without either parental or librarian approval being required. My parents assumed - wrongly - that while I clearly enjoyed science books, and reading classical literature like Shakespeare, my reading ability would provide the appropriate limits. I was reading at college level by 5th and 6th grade, and I read everything that interested me, voraciously. I read Shakespeare, beginning with The Tempest and Midsummer Night's Dream, complete with the explanations of his sexy language. I read Ayn Rand, and thought she wrote very provocative sexual relationships. I even read a couple of books by the Marquis de Sade (Justine, and Juliette), just to see what the fuss was about and to see why anyone would consider him a philosopher. An inside joke to anyone else who has read de Sade, he was not my cup of tea. It was however great fun when I was in my mid teens to correct my aunt and uncle's family minister over the dinner table after Christmas Eve service when he inaccurately used the word Sadism. (Those "she did WHAT" moments were always a source of mischief - and surprisingly, perhaps most of all second only to my enjoyment, was my grandmother's.)

I was the person my grandmother turned to, while I was still in elementary school, to speak candidly about going through menopause. I was the person who was able to be supportive to my mother when she first had a radical mastectomy, followed a few years later by a hysterectomy, in understanding what kind of physical changes were going to result from such drastic surgery. When I received incredibly thorough comprehensive sex ed in the summer school biology class I took early, to pick up extra credits towards graduation, it filled in a few blanks, but was not entirely new material.

What formed the positive views of sex in monogamous relationships were things like observing my parents kiss each other hello, a 'real' kiss, not just an indifferent peck on the cheek when my father came home from the office. Or watching my father grieve over having lost his soul mate when my mother died at an unfortunately early age. Equally important were the loving long term relationships I formed with the men in my life, as mentors, as lovers, and most of all as friends which led me to regard sex as spiritual and about connection and character not just libido.

Every aspect of the attitudes about sex, and gender, encompassed in the quotations above, are hateful towards women and demeaning towards a wholesome and loving equal sexual relationship. Swiftee used the word 'defiled'. To defile, by the dictionary definitions, is to make dirty, unclean, polluted, or debased. It means to violate chastity. It means to desecrate. It means to sully a reputation. I can think of no better definition to describe the conservative view of sex and gender expressed by the quotes above, than defilement; defilement of women, defilement of what sex can and should be. The views in those quotes is ugly, it is degrading, and it is hateful. I am grateful to all of the people in my life who shaped my view of sex and gender, but most especially to the men in my life, whether teacher, friend, or lover, for valuing women generally, and for always valuing me specifically; and especially for helping me to value myself and to realize my strength and my potential.